I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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