Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
