Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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