Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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