There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
