I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
