What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
