i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
