He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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