my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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