Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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