I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
