Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
