She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
