i already hear my dad disowning me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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