And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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