My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
