It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
