The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
