Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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