The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
