Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
