Just fell off a train. Bad.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
