okay pat passed out under dana's car
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
