we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Enjoy the penises
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
