the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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