Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
