i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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