At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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