my being single is dangerous.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
