I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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