Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
