Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
