Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize