can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
