I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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