She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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