I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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