Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Welp...herpes.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
