May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
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