What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
