There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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