apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
This is my gift to your gina
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
