youre lurking in front of me
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
