but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
