I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
