just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
farters have to be the big spoon...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
