someone threw a dead crab at me
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
