2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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