i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
sex in a hospital.. check
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
