yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
