i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
