The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
