one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
