You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
