'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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