How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
