A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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