It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
