i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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