Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
