you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
