Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
