My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
