My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
