You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
