you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
