Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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