I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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